My bipolar collided with my OCD and caused the psychosis to take flight. It’s been a rough few days.
I had set myself the deadline to always post on Monday and Thursday. Because of who I am, (or is it better to say what I am?), I don’t ever miss deadlines.
Since I am never sure what each day will bring, I have tried to write a few blogs ahead and have them ready for the appointed day to publish. But last week we had a doctor appointment in Salt Lake, a family visit, another trip to Provo, and my self-imposed list of work around the house to validate my existence.
I worked ahead and was ready for Thursday. Whew, made it. All is well.
Now to get ready for Monday.
My mind raced but the thoughts were jumbled. My body was simply done with movement and motion, it was staying put. The OCD kept banging “It’s Monday, the world will end in a firey crash if you don’t post RIGHT NOW!” And I escaped into a far more enjoyable reality where staring at the ceiling was the completely right thing to do.
I don’t consider myself a quitter. In fact, if you ask me, I would tell you that I fight pretty hard.
All the time.
But to close my eyes and have it all stop. Even if just for a little while.
A little rest.
Is that so bad?
With my eyes closed, I can hear the quiet whisper “Just let go.”
It’s funny. Often when I lie down I feel as if the bed is tilted at an angle and I am sliding out to the right. I can’t really tell where my arms are and I have to look down to make sure they are still at my side. It feels more like they are floating a bit around my head.
I realized the other day while lying on the bed and listening to the whisper, that my body was actually really tense, my hands in fists, and I was “holding on.”
I consciously took the deep breaths and relaxed, only to discover a few minutes later the same thing: I was tense and holding on.
I tried again to relax.
But each time I stopped focusing on it I found myself back in the hard grip to keep myself from falling.
I think there is a lesson there.
No matter how tired we get, no matter how discouraged, no matter how loud the whisper grows to “just let go”, there is always a piece of us that is clearly ready and able to fight.
To hold on.
I’m what you would call a “constant pray-er”. Before my eyes open in the morning my conversation begins and continues until my eyes have become too heavy to keep open at night, and I thank God for the day and all the good that surrounds me.
Sometimes my expressions are pretty eloquent and I feel up to scratch to converse with Deity.
Sometimes there are no words, but feelings that cross over and somehow understanding happens anyway.
Sometimes when it is rough and there are no discernable thoughts, I just think single words. It’s on days like this that I will cry with my soul “Faith Father, please.”
Faith to keep moving. Faith to keep trying. Faith to hold on.
It is always followed by love.
So if you were to spy on me as I move around the house with the vacuum or the dust cloth, not really clear on what I’m doing but enough of a creature of habit that I can do the rote tasks, you would hear me mutter over and over “Faith. Love. Faith. Love. Please Father. Faith. Love.”
Help me to move forward even though it doesn’t seem like it will work out.
Help me to do it with love in my heart.
Turn on the I-pod and let some great music wash over me.
Circle the church parking lot and let the sun shine on my face and warm my skin.
Faith. Keep moving. Keep going.
Love. Open my eyes and look around me. See.
The whisper “just let go” is silenced. And in its place, perhaps just as quiet, but more real, more solid, is “life is good.”
3 Nephi 31:20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
I don’t think we are that much different from each other. Everyone has days when they want to “just let go.”
The recipe is the same for all of us.
Faith. Hope. Love.
May you have a moment, today, when you have the courage to continue on, your eyes open to those around you, and you hear the sweet whisper that “life, indeed, is good.”