Thoughts on “My Husband’s Not Gay”

Ann and I have been following the show that has created a lot of buzz, driven primarily by controversy. This usually happens when new and different ideas are put out there for society to mull over. Some people will embrace, some will fight, and others will ignore.

I think it’s become pretty hard to ignore this one.

There were parts of the TV show that we really appreciated; there were parts that didn’t reflect at all the life that Ann and I have together. In fact, there were several behaviors depicted that, in my opinion, would not be appropriate in any marriage, regardless of who the spouses are.

Part of the miracle of mortality is that each of us has to forge ahead and take ownership of our individual paths.

Ann and I work very hard to make sure that our unique journey is entirely consistent with gospel teachings. Marriage is such a sacred and private gift. I would never want to do anything to demean our relationship. What a blessing it is that we are completely focused on each other, and then together look outwardly in the same direction.

I’m going to try to just simply state things as I see them:

check6People passionate on one side of the argument feel strongly that to live a homosexual lifestyle is natural and simply one more alternative to the other options out there. They feel proud of the way they live and would have others feel the same.

The truth is, that is never going to change.

check6People on the other side of the argument feel strongly that to live a homosexual lifestyle is one of the many things that God has told His children is a sin. As they work hard to obey all of the commandments as best they can, they see abstaining from homosexuality as the only way to go.

The truth is, that is never going to change either.

It almost seems that each side has dug in and through debate, shouting, petitions, legislation, and a volcano of anger, neither will settle for anything less than the opponent’s total capitulation.

The truth is, that is never going to happen.

Knowing that one side isn’t going to eliminate the other, is there a way for anyone to “win” this fight?

I think so.

As near as I can tell, these are the things on which both sides agree:

checkFeeling sexual attraction to the same gender is, for lack of a scientific term, something we are wired with. Having these feelings is, indeed, not a choice. Someone can’t be “cured” of these natural inclinations and desires; the wiring isn’t going to disappear.

checkIt is neither healthy nor helpful to suppress and ignore these feelings. Just as with any other natural wiring we find in our circuit board, these feelings must be faced head on. Hiding these things from those we love the most takes away our control of what we truly want; sharing and talking things through with trusted family and friends gives us control over choosing our next step.

checkThere are people dying out there because of feelings of frustration, loneliness, and worthlessness. The compounded confusion of going through puberty and also “being different” seems so overwhelming that they don’t feel able to find a way to keep going. They don’t see a solution on the horizon. There is no anesthetic for the pain. Suicide seems the only solution.

checkFamilies are being torn apart just at a critical point when the family is crucial for survival. Parents react in confusion or anger; teens react in mistrust, instead relying on their conviction that they are smarter than their parents; communication shuts down. Each ends up trying to find solutions alone, rather than together.

checkSome feel that embracing this natural wiring is a wonderful option (or, the only option). Some people feel that to overcome and control this natural wiring is the preferable option.

With so much on which we agree, why exactly do we continue to fight?  

As near as I can tell, we disagree on the right to choose.

Some would have us accept that no one can choose not to be gay if they have this natural wiring; others would take away the choice of even considering a gay lifestyle.

I don’t know about you, but I am the master of my own destiny. I identify what I am wired with. I make a judgment on whether I see these innate inclinations as an asset or a liability.

And then I choose what to do with what I have been given.

holding hands5I weep in gratitude that I don’t have to travel this journey alone. I’ve discovered that I also get to choose those with whom I want to walk.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts on “My Husband’s Not Gay””

  1. Hi Greg,

    I don’t know if you remember me. It has been many years. I found your blog through a mutual friend. I have enjoyed reading your thoughts on both same-sex attraction and mental illness. Your words are very inspiring.

    I am happy that you have found love and acceptance! I yet to that acceptance for my attractions or my mental illness. We have chosen different paths in facing our homosexual feelings yet still face many of the same obstacles. You face these in a much better way than I do.

    While I did find love with another man, I was unable to continue the relationship due to the conflicts I felt from my upbringing. While he would have done anything to help me, and still does in many ways, I did not feel it was fair to him to have to deal with my fears, anxieties and roller coaster of emotions.

    Despite our differences, I gain strength through your words. I hope some day I too may find the peace that you seem to have found.

    Thank you for your strength!
    Steven Schafer

    1. Steve,

      I have a mental picture and I think I have the right face to put with the name. Of course, being a little crazy myself who knows what I am seeing up there!

      Thank you for your sincere and personal words and thoughts. This life certainly isn’t easy, is it. I’m sorry about the mental illness that always lurks in the corner of your life. It makes it that much harder to keep all the tough things in perspective. Well, even the not so hard things, if we are honest with ourselves. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. It has taken a lot of trial and error, and many doctors, but I think I’m getting closer to finding a relatively manageable way to live – and not make those around me miserable. It’s quite a balancing act. Don’t give up. I thought we’d never get here, but we are. I have every hope that you can, and will, too.

      I’m sorry for your pain in trying to experience love. It being the thing that brings us unimaginable happiness, it also has the ability to drag us into the depths of sadness. The main reason that Ann and I decided to share our story was to try to give hope to those who deserve it (which would really include all of us). I can honestly, and unreservedly tell you that despite the mental illness demons and the conflicting sexual wiring with what I know to be true, I am truly at peace and deeply, and quietly happy. Ann is more than I ever dreamed possible, and not as a consolation prize for a second-best life, but she is the real deal, the genuine multi-million dollar ultra grand prize. I will never part with her – for anything.

      Please know that this wonderful dream truly is a possibility – if someone as silly as I am can receive this blessing, then someone as sharp as you can most certainly taste of this joy as well. I don’t know when, and I don’t know in what manner it will happen, but I know that it truly can be a part of your future. Don’t give up.

      Thanks so much for reaching out. I hope that we can help you on your journey, just as I am sure you are helping so many others on theirs.


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