It’s raining on the inside

I’ve heard from some of the people who read these crazy thoughts and feelings on our blog that they can relate to a lot of what is said.

That’s a good thing; it’s kind of the whole reason for doing it.

Some of the thoughts running through my marathon mind lately may also be things that many others can understand from first-hand experience.

If so, I hope that these ramblings will help you get through.

prayer2Ann and I have talked about how things are slipping a bit in the wrong direction lately with this whole bipolar/OCD/psychosis thing. I won’t bore you with a rundown of the specific symptoms. I don’t think it really matters.

The other night while just kneeling by the bed in wordless prayer, I tried to listen carefully to the thoughts, feelings, and impressions that crept into my mind. I scribbled down the concepts as they came so that the next day I could try to digest them in the light.

Here is what I wrote down:

My spirit is quietly happy; my body is sad and will suddenly expand into silent screaming.

I’m not confused at the inconsistency of being spiritually happy but physically sad. I do understand the sources of each; one I control completely and the other could completely control me – if I allowed it to.

It almost feels that as my spirit gains strength, so too does the mental fight. I really thought it would have been the opposite.

Lately I don’t feel empty or alone; however, I do have the soft desire to just quietly fade away. It’s not something I want to do; it’s more something that I just feel to do.

Knowing that we are going to have to go back to the doctor and see about how to proceed, I really wonder how I am supposed to know if I’m getting better.

While it’s sunny everywhere on the outside and things are so good, it’s raining on the inside.

rainThese certainly may appear to be the ramblings of a mad man.

Actually, they may just be that.

But they actually make a lot of sense to me.

Here are some things I’ve come to understand from this experience:

It’s not overwhelming any more for my body to have these impossible-to-understand feelings and emotions that make no physical sense. I am now able to separate out the physical from the spiritual. The physical is not allowed to confuse the spiritual. And thusly, the spiritual is infinitely helpful in calming the physical.

Trying to deal with one without the other is futile.

At least for me.

I think that I had it backwards: the fury of the mental fight isn’t keeping up with the spiritual development; it’s the spiritual strength that has grown to stay ahead of the mental battle.

The spiritual salve isn’t there to eliminate the physical hurt; it’s there to keep it from burning all it touches.

Perhaps I am misunderstanding the inner feeling to fade away. Maybe it’s just the ability at long last to simply fade a bit. You know, not be the manically-charged maniac in the room.

Rather, it could at long last be the ability to just quietly be in the room.

I think that I have been focusing too intently on where I am headed, how close am I to what I consider to be better (which would really be completely cured and normal like the rest of you). But in that laser-like intensity of needing to be all the way better, I’ve forgotten where I’ve been.

Compared to what used to be, things are SO much better now. Inconceivably so.

While it may indeed be raining on the inside, I really can see how it’s sunny everywhere around me and how things really are so good.

sunlightIs there a point to all of this?

I think so.

It’s okay that I may not ever truly overcome this craziness; I know what matters most is that I don’t succumb to it.

walking in the rainThe difference to me seems to boil down to one simple truth: Have I resignedly accepted my Father’s will for me, or have I chosen to fully embrace it – no matter what it is.

How about you?


3 thoughts on “It’s raining on the inside”

  1. Awareness is a good thing but is often married to misery. The more we become aware of our psychosis, the more we see the damage that has been done and the work needed to improve. Sometimes we look ahead in fear of our shortcomings rather than in faith of our unforeseen abilities. It leaves us feeling frozen like a deer in the headlights unable to move forward. This is just what Satan wants. He wants us to forget that we are made in the likeness of our glorious Father-in-heaven. He wants us to forget the good news , which is this; at our journey’s end, Christ makes up the difference for what our best efforts could never accomplish on their own. He will heal any broken hearts or suffering left in the path of pain our psychosis has caused ourselves or others. And we must remember, it is better that we should pass through sorrow. That is the power that presses us onward, leading us to the feet of our Savior in humble adoration. I can only imagine what my heart will feel at that moment.

    1. I think Ann and I have found a good balance on the whole psychosis thing. I’ll ask her if something was real or actually happened and she’ll tell me. On the days that it really confuses me, she’ll diffuse the situation by saying something like “let’s just give it some time and do something else, then we’ll talk about it again”. It gives me time to distance myself and work through it without any anger or pain to Ann, other than just another manifestation that I’m a nut job. I think that really is the lesson we have learned through all of this, that it always takes that one person who is there – and always will be. She’s not a crutch, but more of a stable anchor of reality. Because of her, I can move on without obsessing over what is real and what isn’t, and for my intense OCD, that is a pretty great blessing.

      I love your insight and personal experience you bring to this subject. You’ve been on the rough side of these issues as the one who got pounded on. That is such a critical part to understand and helps those of us on the mental illness side of it know how hard we must work to not somehow take out our symptoms on those we love the most. You are a great teacher and example for all of us to follow. Thanks for being part of the solution.

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