I’ve heard from some of the people who read these crazy thoughts and feelings on our blog that they can relate to a lot of what is said.
That’s a good thing; it’s kind of the whole reason for doing it.
Some of the thoughts running through my marathon mind lately may also be things that many others can understand from first-hand experience.
If so, I hope that these ramblings will help you get through.
Ann and I have talked about how things are slipping a bit in the wrong direction lately with this whole bipolar/OCD/psychosis thing. I won’t bore you with a rundown of the specific symptoms. I don’t think it really matters.
The other night while just kneeling by the bed in wordless prayer, I tried to listen carefully to the thoughts, feelings, and impressions that crept into my mind. I scribbled down the concepts as they came so that the next day I could try to digest them in the light.
Here is what I wrote down:
My spirit is quietly happy; my body is sad and will suddenly expand into silent screaming.
I’m not confused at the inconsistency of being spiritually happy but physically sad. I do understand the sources of each; one I control completely and the other could completely control me – if I allowed it to.
It almost feels that as my spirit gains strength, so too does the mental fight. I really thought it would have been the opposite.
Lately I don’t feel empty or alone; however, I do have the soft desire to just quietly fade away. It’s not something I want to do; it’s more something that I just feel to do.
Knowing that we are going to have to go back to the doctor and see about how to proceed, I really wonder how I am supposed to know if I’m getting better.
While it’s sunny everywhere on the outside and things are so good, it’s raining on the inside.
Actually, they may just be that.
But they actually make a lot of sense to me.
Here are some things I’ve come to understand from this experience:
It’s not overwhelming any more for my body to have these impossible-to-understand feelings and emotions that make no physical sense. I am now able to separate out the physical from the spiritual. The physical is not allowed to confuse the spiritual. And thusly, the spiritual is infinitely helpful in calming the physical.
Trying to deal with one without the other is futile.
At least for me.
I think that I had it backwards: the fury of the mental fight isn’t keeping up with the spiritual development; it’s the spiritual strength that has grown to stay ahead of the mental battle.
The spiritual salve isn’t there to eliminate the physical hurt; it’s there to keep it from burning all it touches.
Perhaps I am misunderstanding the inner feeling to fade away. Maybe it’s just the ability at long last to simply fade a bit. You know, not be the manically-charged maniac in the room.
Rather, it could at long last be the ability to just quietly be in the room.
I think that I have been focusing too intently on where I am headed, how close am I to what I consider to be better (which would really be completely cured and normal like the rest of you). But in that laser-like intensity of needing to be all the way better, I’ve forgotten where I’ve been.
Compared to what used to be, things are SO much better now. Inconceivably so.
While it may indeed be raining on the inside, I really can see how it’s sunny everywhere around me and how things really are so good.
I think so.
It’s okay that I may not ever truly overcome this craziness; I know what matters most is that I don’t succumb to it.
How about you?