One step forward, another one back – right?

Okay, here’s the deal:

Things have been tough lately.

You can empathize, right?

For a while now, I’ve really struggled with my self-imposed deadlines of getting out a blog posting each Monday and Thursday. It, like these kinds of things usually do, began to consume me and filled me with dread. If I didn’t have something ready for the next scheduled published thoughts, I became more and more weighed down of being overwhelmed by it all.despair

Crazy, right?

Well, actually yes.

That’s kind of the problem.

It’s just one of the reasons that holding down a steady job is out of my grasp right now. Of course, the whole bipolar thing doesn’t help, but that’s another discussion.

When Ann and I met with the doctor recently we decided that I’d stop writing for a while, as it was doing more harm than good.

I was almost giddy with relief.

One step forward, another one back.

To make sure that I wasn’t stepping back and then parking it on my rear end, we decided that I’d move in another direction and put my energy and focus in music.

Try to exercise another part of my brain, so to speak.

The trouble is that I still have these moments of clarity when a thought or concept shines through the murky muddle and I can understand how it may just help someone out there.

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(Design: AlexBatty.org)

On this journey I’m morphing into someone very different from who I was. I’ve learned that instead of needing to be the bright light in the center of the room, perhaps my new ability is to stand on the sidelines so as to quietly seek out and reach the one.

Hence, how to combine my reality of surreal confusion and obsession with creating coherent communication that may be just what someone needs to read?

Do it in my own quirky way, of course.

Rather than try to manufacture scheduled quotas, I’m going to take a huge leap away from OCD and write what rings true in my spirit when my mind and body are clear and at peace.

discouraged3When they are not, I’m going to try to give myself a pass on writing and focus instead on surviving.

Think of it this way: by allowing myself to simply survive some days, I think that I’ll be able to have more days where I thrive.

Hmmm, that could be an interesting idea to mull through together, don’t you think?

I’ve also come to understand that there is perhaps more that I can share as we continue to wade through our questions regarding same-sex attraction and mental illness.

There are simply so many who are struggling and hurting.

Rather than give up, the task I give myself is to continue to try to find the one.

And then do something about it.

walk4So, yes we took a step forward, and then stumbled back a step.

Or even two.

But I’m going to suck it up and take another step forward.

I truly understand that the destination is not fixed, but rather is quite mobile.

It’s simply the compilation of all the momentum created by taking just one more step.

Often, that’s all it takes.

Just one more step.

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Keep walking dear friends, keep walking.

I will too.

2 thoughts on “One step forward, another one back – right?”

  1. Thank you for realizing what is best for you right now. We appreciate your desire to help others. We love you and your family.

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