The last few days have been screamers – you know, when on the outside I am pretty tired and it is hard to keep moving, but on the inside there is a constant scream. I can literally feel the lava boiling up and wanting to explode out. I just want out of my skin. I just want some quiet on the inside.
I have several things I work through to help me keep the explosion from erupting on anyone else or causing any damage.
I go to my daily list and attack the next item, or
I grab my IPod and let the music flow through me, or
I escape into the sunshine and walk and walk and walk, or
I allow myself to go into the bedroom, pull back the bedspread, and tell myself that “I’ll just lie down for a minute”, knowing that it will probably be several hours.
I’m not sure that these make a long-term difference, but in the short term they keep me from doing something that would cause others pain.
Probably like putting on a Band-Aid to keep the blood from flowing and causing a mess.
This morning while I was quickly switching back and forth between laughing maniacally and then shouting out and hitting my head and then shaking my head and telling myself to get under control, and back again, I had the thought: “Healing Greg. What do you need to heal?”
I wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget while working through my steps of control.
Now that things are a little calmer I can come back to my note and my question.
What does it really take to heal?
I need some more substantive activities that can go beyond the Band-Aid and be more like the Neosporin that makes the skin close up and stop bleeding.
Of course I know what they are for me.
Dropping to my knees and beginning to count, one by one, my incredible blessings.
Not just turning on the IPod, but finding specific music that lifts my spirit, my body, my soul.
Pouring out my emotions on the piano.
Opening up the scriptures, both ancient and contemporary, and reading a paragraph and then just stopping, letting it wash over me, through me.
Watching my wife bake some new experimental treat with complete calmness in her actions and peace in all her features.
Listening to Alex hum and whistle while she creates and figures out a new project in her den in the basement.
Reading what Nick does and doesn’t write from Peru, and knowing how deeply he is changing and growing.
Writing. Experiencing the clarity of thought and mind that used to be so much a part of my life, feeling the words and outlines come, and knowing that it is not originating from within me.
Looking outside myself and doing something that will make a difference in someone else’s day. You know, email and social media really are a huge blessing for someone like me who needs to stay away from people at times. I can still try to reach out from my zone of safety.
These things do more than just get me through the moment, they help me to calm the lava and slow the spinning frenzy. They may still cause a tear to be in the corner of my eye, but it is accompanied by a slight smile – if only one sided.
So, what do you need to heal?
You really deserve to know.
Each of you out there is fighting your own dragon and laying a weary head down on your pillow at night, not sure how you will get up tomorrow and do it again.
Yet you do.
Are you doing it via Band-Aid or Neosporin?
Something to think about.
May you honestly find real healing in your life. Healing that makes you stronger. Healing that makes you love a little deeper. Healing that brings you quiet peace amidst all the busyness.