A couple of months ago I was working on a series of letters to those who were struggling with different issues and perhaps feeling lost.
Looks like I kind of got lost in the middle of it all.
Not sure it’s safe to say that I’ve been found, but I can definitely say that I’m actively looking.
And I’ll keep my eyes open this time.
You know, constant vigilance.
So, I’ll give it a whirl at taking my own advice:
Got a little too big for your britches, didn’t you? Cocky confidence about being able to be “normal” came back and bit you right in the back side of your trousers didn’t it.
I still love you.
And believe in you.
I know, it’s just so enticing to feel that emotion of clarity, strength, soaring – actually just BEING alive.
In other words, our good old friend Mr. Mania.
Continue reading I guess this letter is to me
Okay, here’s the deal:
Things have been tough lately.
You can empathize, right?
For a while now, I’ve really struggled with my self-imposed deadlines of getting out a blog posting each Monday and Thursday. It, like these kinds of things usually do, began to consume me and filled me with dread. If I didn’t have something ready for the next scheduled published thoughts, I became more and more weighed down of being overwhelmed by it all.
Well, actually yes.
That’s kind of the problem.
It’s just one of the reasons that holding down a steady job is out of my grasp right now. Of course, the whole bipolar thing doesn’t help, but that’s another discussion.
When Ann and I met with the doctor recently we decided that I’d stop writing for a while, as it was doing more harm than good.
I was almost giddy with relief.
One step forward, another one back.
Continue reading One step forward, another one back – right?
The last few days have turned a bit downward as far as the magic of mental illness goes. I had been riding a bit high in the days before, dreaming of going back to work and even fantasizing about the job that would work well with me being a bit nutso.
I had spent quite a bit of time carefully pointing out to Ann just how great I was doing in taming my OCD, and was a brand new person, and did she notice, huh, did she notice how laid back I am now? If she didn’t notice, I wanted to make sure that she did.
Of course, repeating it to make sure it was clear made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
Yep, I’ve obviously still got some work to do there.
But, as we know there is opposition in all things, there certainly is in being bipolar.
Continue reading Understanding that I’m mentally ill helps me not be quite so nuts
This is part 3 of a 4-part series on Simplifying the Semantics of Suicide
For part 1, click here
I keep reminding Ann that I am not the lemon she married 25 years ago, but have blossomed into something pretty wonderful. She may agree that the lemon is gone, but I’m not sure she would go so far as to say I’m something wonderful.
Oh well, one step at a time I suppose.
One example of me being a lemon (or just a downright horse’s backside) happened not long after we were married. As I was blowing out the door to class one morning I said something along the lines of “be sure you get that car washed and cleaned out by the time I get home.” (Yes I know, I still cringe at whatever stupid pill I had swallowed that morning.)
Anyway, when I got home that night the car was sitting in the driveway, in exactly the same condition it was when I left that morning.
I was dumbfounded.
Continue reading Empathizing vs. enabling